What I've Learned from Watching the World Cup™

A quick grandmother update: She is still in the hospital with pneumonia. (Are you impressed that I spelled that correctly without using the spell-check? I am.) Her doctor says it will be at least Tuesday before there is any progress. We went to see her last night. She slept most of the time we were there. She did wake up for a few minutes. While we couldn’t really understand what she was saying, we knew she was glad to see us. Especially the kids. We’re planning to see her again tonight. Hopefully good news will come at the first of next week.

In case you haven’t heard, the FIFA World Cup™ is currently underway in South Africa. I might have mentioned it before. I’ve been watching a lot of soccer over the last 7 days.

I’ve been a soccer fan for years (as I wrote earlier in the week.) I know most of the rules. I understand the game. Watching 2-3 matches each day over the last week, though, I have learned a lot about the game. I’m not sure these are official rules of the game, but given their consistent occurrence I think they are. Here are some of the things I’ve learned.

· If you take and miss a shot on goal, you must immediately fling both hands to either your face, your forehead, or the top of your head. Proximity of the attempted shot to the actual goal does not matter. If you miss by inches, act as if you cannot believe it did not go in the goal. If you miss by several yards (if, say, your shot goes 25 feet above the goal) you should still act as if you cannot believe the shot did not go in the net.

The “hands to face or head” move can also be employed in the event of a penalty. Especially if the penalty results in a yellow or red card.

· When a ball is kicked out of bounds, every player within a 30-yard radius must raise their hand. If you kick, trip, or knock down another player, whether accidental or intentional, you should raise your hand. If you are tripped or knocked to the ground, you should raise your hand.

At first I thought the players meant this as some noble admission of guilt. “I kicked it out of bounds.” “I kicked their goal-keeper in the teeth.”

Then I realized it’s actually quite the opposite. It’s more of an appeal. “Referee, help me! I was wronged!”

Except in the case of a ball out of bounds. I’m pretty sure in this situation the raised hand indicates that they actually saw the ball go out of bounds.

· If another player touches you in anyway, you must fall down. Which leads to part 2…

When you fall you must immediately grab your ankle. It doesn’t really matter if anyone actually touches your ankle. Or if you are touched at all for that matter. Just be sure to grab your ankle. This leads to part 3…

When you fall you should writhe as if in excruciating pain and stay on the ground for at least 2-3 minutes.

Let me sum up this section with this. The greatest soccer players are even better actors.

· There are no American soccer commentators. If you want to do play-by-play commentary for an American soccer broadcast, you’d better have a British accent. American English is not allowed, except for sparingly in a color commentary role.

Not only must you have a British accent, you must also use British colloquialisms. Words like “daft” and “bollocks” are always welcome in a soccer broadcast. It does not matter if your American audience has no idea what they mean.

· Vuvuzelas must sound throughout the game. What’s a vuvuzela? Watch a World Cup game. Listen for the annoying, continuous buzz emanating from the stands. That is a vuvuzela.

· Soccer coaches are not allowed to show emotion. If your team scores, you clap softly and nod. If the other team scores, you clap softly and shake your head. This is the most emotion allowed from the bench area.

· Soccer fans are good-looking. It's either that or the camera men have a knack for finding the only pretty women in the stands.

· Soccer players aren’t so bad either. Actually, I’m pretty sure that with the exception of Ribery from France all international soccer players are good-looking guys.

· My favorite soccer player nickname so far: “3 Lungs.”

I guess that’s it. That’s all I’ve learned so far. Of course, the tournament doesn’t end until July 11, so there is plenty of time to learn more.