Mama Neenie

I wrote this last Wednesday. Here is my attempt to finish…or at least write more.

My grandmother died today.

I have no idea if or when I will post this, but my grandmother died today. September 29, 2010 at 2:45 pm.

A few days from now readers of the local paper will read something like, “Onetta Erwin died after a brief illness.” I’m sure the death certificate will list pneumonia or some similar infection as a cause of death. I think the cause was loneliness.

My grandmother lived a day short of 95 years and two months. She spent the last several months in bed at a nursing home. My mom and dad visited her pretty often. Some of our other family did as well. I didn’t. After she moved into the nursing home I think I only visited 3 times. I had good intentions, but I just could not make myself go out there more than that.

But I’ve written about all of that before.

I visited her room for the last time a week ago today. I was on my way to visit her one last time, but she passed away before I even started driving over. I found out she’d passed when I was about a block away. My sister called to let me know Neenie passed away. My response: “Shit.”

I got to the nursing home and sat in the parking lot for several minutes. Finally I went in and met my sister in the lobby. My mom came into the lobby as I entered. She said Neenie was still in her room and we could go back. In spite of my misgivings, I went.

I saw my grandmother for the last time on July 30^th. Her 95^th birthday. Almost 60 days before she died. Last Wednesday I saw her body, but I did not see her. I thought about describing her appearance. I will not. I’ll just say that I’m glad I went, but it may haunt me forever.

The funeral is tomorrow. I will serve as a pallbearer. I expect it to be a sad/happy/frustrating/funny/difficult occasion.

The most prominent feeling I’ve had since Neenie’s passing is guilt. Guilt for not visiting more often. Guilt for not going over sooner Wednesday. Guilt for laughing. Guilt for forgetting for a brief time that she’d died. Guilt that every time I think “I’ll miss her,” it’s immediately followed by “You never missed her enough to go see her before she died.”

I expect that will pass. I hope it will pass soon.

I think my grandmother was ready to die. I believe that because I am certain that if she hadn’t been ready, she would still be here. Over the last 5-6 years she made several miraculous comebacks. She showed a great desire to live.

But she’d outlived most of her friends. All but one of her siblings passed before her. Most of her family didn’t visit often.

I think she was ready to go. Ready to stop fighting. Ready to stop waiting for someone to visit. Ready to stop thinking about those that had gone before her.

Tomorrow will be hard.

Tomorrow will be hard.