Law & Order

I’ve finally figured out what to do with one of my Christmas presents. I got a Walmart Music gift card. Three words: Poi Dog Pondering.

One segment of the local paper I always try to read is the “Law & Order” section. Following the break-in of our house Friday, I’ve taken a keener interest in the section. I check it every day.

Reason #1: I want to see our case reported in there. It won’t be specific, but I’ll know it’s us.

“Two TVs and an Xbox game system taken from a residence on Ingleside Ave.”

I have no idea why, but it will excite me to read that when it’s printed. A couple of years ago my parents had two digital cameras stolen from a vehicle in their driveway. A few days later they were in the “Law & Order” section. I called them to let them know. My dad was not nearly as excited as I was.

Reason #2: The police told us there is a rash of TV thefts through out the area. According to the responding officers it’s been going on for several months. They break-in and steal flat panel TVs, that’s it. I’ve been keeping an eye on the crime reports. So far I have not noticed a large number of TV thefts reported.

Reason #3: You never know when you’re going to run across a hilarious crime report. Here are a couple of my favorites from the past few days:

• Three crock-pots and a bag were taken from a vehicle on Hawthorne Street.
• Two refrigerators and 8 doors were taken from a residence in the 7000 Block of Highway 157.

And my favorite:

• Dryer sheets, KY jelly and two watch bands were taken from a business in the 3400 block of Woodward Avenue.

This report begs several questions.

1) Who needs dryer sheets, KY Jelly, and 2 watchbands in that combination? And what are they doing with them? I’m thinking it was McGuyver. He had to build an explosive device but ran out of money or he was in a huge hurry. Or maybe someone has static cling issues in their colon. But in that case I cannot think of a use for the watchbands.

2) Why do you actually call the police to reports stolen dryer sheets, KY Jelly, and watchbands? Seriously. Is it an insurance issue? If so this place has the lowest deductible ever!

3) How do you reach a point in your life where you are relegated to stealing KY Jelly? You gotta learn to improvise, dude!

4) Is static cling really that big of a problem? So much of a problem that you’ll risk a misdemeanor conviction? Apparently someone’s shirts really hate their socks.

In the meantime, still no report of stolen TVs on Ingleside. I’ll keep reading. I just hope people keep stealing and reporting silly stuff. I’d like to be entertained while I’m lamenting my loss.