I’ve given up on updating my weight. Too depressing, and I don’t need any more depressants right now.
This weekend I had an epiphany. It wasn’t what I would call a typical epiphany. It wasn’t one of those “Aha!” moments. Epiphany may not accurately describe this realization. Maybe it’s more of a self-confession. Instead of an “Aha!” moment, I had more of an “Oh crap!” moment.
My insight came during church yesterday. I sat, as I do most Sundays, staring out of the large window at the front of the sanctuary at Edgemont UMC. As Eric preached, I stared at the large oak tree just behind him. My mind was elsewhere, jumping from thought to thought. Remembering event after non-event. Reflecting on things past and things still to come. In other words, I was daydreaming.
A few minutes into ignoring Eric’s homily I was struck by a horrific realization. I have some terribly childish, petty thoughts. I don’t think that’s anything that unusual. I also realized that I tend to hold grudges based on those thoughts. I let them affect my mood. I let them affect how I perceive other people. I let them affect how I treat others.
I sat there appalled by my own selfishness. It turned into another instance of, “When am I gong to grow up?”
I’ve mentioned before how sensitive I am. I don’t where my emotions on my sleeve, but they are right atop the skin under my sleeves. It really doesn’t take much to hurt my feelings. I usually get over it pretty quickly. Usually. Yesterday I realized that my selfishness is at least partly to blame. And it causes me to sometimes hang on to those hurt feelings.
I guess I’m using this as a sort of confession, to myself as much as anyone else. It’s something I’ve got to work on.
I know what you mean, Scott. It's often difficult to remember that it usually isn't "about me" when someone says or does something I find hurtful. And learning to adjust my expectations concerning people and events has been equally challenging. Here's hoping we get the hang of it before we're on canes and walkers.
ReplyDeletejust remember that most have these thoughts, but only the good ones realize it & vow to do something about it. And you can partly blame OCD, which you have no ocntrol over... so you have a little lee way. <3 acr
ReplyDeleteScott, I definitely know how you feel; if my emotions aren't on my sleeve they're not far under it. For a few days now I've let hurt feelings become a 'grudge' that I've let dominate my feelings & mood & affect my relationships. In my case it was partly "about me" tho his language may have been more a result of how he was feeling that what i did. But as a result ofyou mentioning'selfishness' I'm begining to see that i've put my feelings first over those of several other people. Another self-confession! But i guess that is all too often how we learn - through our mistakes. j
ReplyDeleteYou ignore my sermons? I'm SO hurt!
ReplyDelete