190. Misty made Peach Cobbler this weekend. I blame her. That stuff is evil. Pure Evil! (the cobbler, not Misty.)
To those whose names are listed on the right under “Blogs that I Read” or whatever it says, I owe you an apology. I am not a loyal, devoted reader. I read sort of like I tend to write: in fits and spurts.
Last week I hinted at “The Talk” as it applies to my son. He’s 12. Will be 13 in January. We have yet to have “The Talk.” I’m pretty sure that fact calls my parenting into question.
The mere idea, frankly, scares the shit out of me. The problem is, I know it has to be done. And soon.
I have no idea what he knows. I’m pretty sure, though, he knows more than I think he does. And definitely more than I want him to know. He’s in 7th grade. When I was in 7th grade I knew way too much (and at the same time not nearly enough) about sex. Given that fact, I know he’s not as innocent as I hope he is.
As a family, we love The George Lopez Show. From time to time we watch it together. Very often the show is more than a little suggestive. Those shows tend to increase the tension level in the room. The funniest joke even remotely sexual only gets a small chuckle from any of us. He doesn’t want to laugh, we don’t want to laugh. It’s an awkward situation.
I’ve come close to broaching the subject many times. The words never quite find their way out of my mouth. I keep getting hung up on the little details. Like, “What the hell do I say?”
Seriously, where do you start? When I was his age I had a pretty clear concept of the mechanics of sex. I knew what went where and what to do with it once it is where it goes. Do I explain that to him? I hope not, because that’s gross! When I was his age we made I knew most of the terminology and jargon (both technical and slang). Do I start there? That seems a little crude.
Here’s the main problem, I never got “the talk” as a kid. Never. Aside from one rambling monologue from my dad about how to put on a condom when I was 15 or 16, my parents never even mentioned sex. Never once did either of my parents sit me down to tell me about the “birds and the bees.”
Speaking of birds and bees, what the hell does that have to do with sex? I sort of get the bee thing. Reproduction. They pollinate flowers. The flowers reproduce. But how does that relate to human sexuality? And birds? What the hell?
I guess I can’t really say that my parents had no input into my sexual knowledge. After all, I did know where my dad hid his porn magazines. I’m not sure how old I was when I found them, but I returned to that spot often over the years.
The extent of my parents’ intentional input was a pamphlet. My mom worked at a local OB/GYN office for most of my early childhood. I’m sure that’s where the booklet came from. I don’t even remember how I got the thing. I think I came home and found it on my bed. Not even a note to say “Let me know if you have any questions.” Just a 20-page booklet lying on my unmade bed.
It had a blue soft cover. It was titled Human Sexual Development or something similar. During my pubescent years I became very familiar with that booklet. I perused it’s pages numerous times. I think my infatuation with it stemmed directly from the fact that it contained illustrations of male and female bodies at various stages of development. That page was of particular interest. I used it often to compare and contrast. And imagine and fantasize.
I could not tell you one single word from the booklet, but I remember the pictures. Maybe the pamphlet didn’t teach me about sex, but I certainly knew what a pencil drawing of a nude woman looked like.
So this is my dilemma. I have not experience to draw from. How much do you tell a 12-year-old? Where do you start? Where do you stop? How much detail do you give?
Maybe my parents still have that booklet. Maybe I can leave it on his bed with a note.
“Let me know if you have any questions.
- Love, Mom”
Tell him everything. Seriously. I think it is better that they know the reality of situations rather than fictitious ones that might mess with them later. Man, Anne is SEVEN and I have told her more that I thought I would. She knows boy parts, girl parts, and a "special hug" that parents have. She doesn't really need to know the rest... until maybe she is 12.
ReplyDeleteThe point is, i'd rather my parents had told me instead of ignoring it, because one day my friends told me about condoms, and I had no idea what they were, and they all laughed at me. So I thought and thought about it. Then one birthday when everyone was over at my house, sitting around the table, talking about summer vacations. i blurted out "This year, I am going to the beach with my Dad! And this year, we are staying in a CONDOM!!" (instead of condominium.) Imagine the silence and awkward stares from my family.
I will tell him. I like to talk about such things. Done several "sessions" with kids about sex before. The best thing to start with is to ask him how much he knows. But don't freak out about anything he tells you. In fact show no emotion what so ever about it. And most of what he tells you will have to do with if oral sex is really sex. Or at least that has been my experience with Junior Highers.
ReplyDeleteAnd speaking of your mom, at least you didn't get the "STD" picture book like I did. You just remember what nude sketches of a woman look like...I know what "The Clap" looks like. I win.
I got that same book! But at least there was a note. It was on my bed way before I had any inkling of an interest in the feminine of the species. Like you, the little blue pamphlet was pretty well read by the time I lost it.
ReplyDeleteLaura and Emily both have good suggestions. And hey, why are you scared? Afraid he might ask if you guys still "do it?" (Tell him, 'of course.') The talk gives him the info he needs to understand what the hello his body is doing. Everything is weird. And then there's the extra testosterone, and other hormones. The boy needs some help.
He's the one who is nervous. Because he's the one who doesn't know what the heck is going on. You've got the knowledge (and knowledge is power!) he needs. If you are comfortable with your equipment and what to do with it, then it should be a pretty good conversation. Just be straight with him. And you don't want it to be just one conversation. More like two dozen, over the next 4 years.
Is this a good time for the church to have a "human sexuality from a Christian perspective" class?
Oh, and I wouldn't let Emily talk to him. She might show him the STD pamphlet and scare the crap out of him.
Having had 2 dau (not sure thats any excuse!) i dont have experience to go on - nor from my own raising. But here goes:
ReplyDeleteI like eric's idea of not just THE talk but talking - am sure easier said than done! But hopefully each time will get easier!
I like Emily's idea of startg by askg him what he knows or ask him what Qs does he have (or what is he curious or wondering about) & that he can ask whatever he wants to....that sex is something that kids & their parents need to talk about.
I think u might want to locate some literature: does misty know of some? or from some organization - edgemont or city library, a pediatrician, ?planned parenthood? or does the UMC have info? since i'm pretty sure we've had "human sexuality from a Christian perspective" sessions at edgemont some yrs ago.
Perhaps u would be a bit more comfortable if u had some written literature at hand when the first discussion comes up. Maybe lookg at a booklet together would be a way to start? I dont have any pat approach, but i feel for u & think there's no one way ---just do whatever works for u!
If its any consolation, the start of a discussion may be harder for him than for u. Seems i always hear a recommendation to just give a simple answer to the Qs the child raises --- letting them ask for more detail when they are ready for it. As u say, at 12 & in 7th grade, he probably already has been exposed to alot more ideas than u would prefer - some right, some wrong & some confused.
One final idea: YOU are hereby nominated to immediately start a children's class on human sexuality at Edgemont! Cheers!
Jerry M
I swear, sex comes up in casual conversation around here...I guess because of all the youth and college kids who have always hung out around here and they will say things without thinking and then the kids ask questions. Emily is definitely right about the not freaking out if your kids ask, "herpes? what's that?" BTW that question came up after the Simon Says production the kids did. we just answer the questions. the hard part is making it age appropriate so you don't give them more than they're ready or looking for. Try to think like a kid, then add a couple of years, especially for your oldest, and keep it simple.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite so far was the hairy pickle joke my son told me after school...believe me you don't want to know, LOL but i was thrilled that he would tell me. That tells me the communication lines are open.
Hang in there. And remember to breathe. :o)