It’s time for another Junk Mail rundown. I haven’t done one in a long time. Here’s the premise: I get a lot of Junk Mail (over 5000 at the moment). I post the subject, and then make some hilariously witty remark about it. Well, maybe not hilarious. And probably not witty. But I do comment. The subject is in bold (exactly as received) and my comments follow.
Beware of fake pills – I will do that. By not ordering them from you.
Sandy gave me you mail – I need to have a little talk with Sandy.
Your male strength will come back to you like a boomerang. – Will it also smack me in the head like a boomerang?
Don't get ripped off my fakes anymore – We’ll rip you off with the real thing!
Buyer beware - Penis patches! – Buyer or not, I will definitely beware of Penis Patches.
Discover the reliable source of cheap and quality drugs. – In my limited experience, the words “cheap” and “quality” can never be used together truthfully when talking about drugs. Legal or illegal.
Wanna look unbelievably in that bikini? Keep fit with us. – Trust me, if you saw me in a bikini… it would be unbelievable.
I’ll pause a minute to let you get that image out of your head… sorry.
With us your intimate life will be back on track. – I would much rather it get back on track with my wife. Ignore this one. Nothing to see here. Move along.
A woman looks feminine only if she the right body shapes. – I’m not sure anyone who has body “shapes” can be feminine.
Purses – There’s a junk mail subject I can respect. Simple and to the point. Too bad the email was actually about replica watches.
Lost your libido and power? We will help you look for it. – I’m pretty sure there is nothing I can add to this to make it funnier.
Don’t let health problems affect your active life. – Isn’t that what health problems do?
Hey – Hi.
the best presents for Christmas and Sylvester party – What the hell is a Sylvester party? Do we all sthhhhhhpit when we talk or do we just say “Hey Yo!” a lot?
Crhistian Wife sexual Satisfaction – I’m not sure what’s more bewildering: trying to find out what a Crhistian wife is or trying to understand how they are satisfied any differently than a regular one.
Get rid of terrible pounds! – Finally a diet that only gets rid of the terrible ones.
Buy swine flu capsules – And so starts the pandemic
We know the way to wake your small buddy up. – A really tiny alarm clock?
aid your sexual event – I’m not sure what kind of life they think I’m living, but I can assure them and you…I’m not living that life.
Every inch of your tool will be screaming about your manhood. – Is it just me or do I not want that part of me screaming?
Women will never laugh again when you pull your pants down. – But they will scream and call the police!
For every men of different ages unique decision – I have nothing to say. The grammar was so bad I had to include it.
If you are obsessed whether you are blessed, we know how to deal with that obsession. – This email was surprisingly not from Al Sharpton, Johnny Cochran, or Don King. The rhyme was cute though.
These are great. Many variations on the same theme - uplift your darling night adventures ; raise your sweet bed adventures ; hoist your darling bed experience ; hoist your sweet couch adventures ; raise your sweet sexual adventures ; heave your darling night adventures
No one loves to be fat – Except maybe Louie Anderson.
The image of your watch will stay forever in her eyes. – Surprisingly, in this one “watch” is not a euphemism for penis.
empower your belove night adventures – Someone’s been using the Thesaurus. I had to include one more.
Crazy weight loss formula – I’m thinking this is not the smartest marketing strategy.
The best way to prove your virility is getting a Submariner SS watch. – Finally, replica watches and penis size in one email subject! If only they’d worked weight loss in it would be perfect.
We are waiting for your nomination. – I already told you, President Obama, I don’t want to be on the Supreme Court. Now stop emailing me!
We will make the serving size of your meat much larger. – Again, I can’t add to that.
Welcome to the world of slim people! – Now get your fat ass out of here before you eat someone.
Not everything that glitters is gold because our watches are even more valuable. – And they sure aren’t gold.
You can lose all the offensive nicknames regarding your weight once and forever. – What about those regarding my hair?
Hold the confidence in your palm, wear it in your pants. – I’m not sure I want to know what this one is talking about.
Your immature undeveloped friend is really bugging you? – Never seen junk mail from a hit man before.
Dont get old with arms folded struggle for your life! – I’m pretty sure this is a threat against my life.
Now it is possible to have sex more than 10 times a day – Is that supposed to be a good thing?
Create the image of a slim and successful person! – Didn’t they sell glasses in the back of comic books that would do that, too? You know right next to the Sea Monkeys.
We sell the best alarm-clocks for your small buddy down there. – And there’s that tiny alarm clock we were looking for. Thanks!
Here’s the last one. I had to include the email, too. It’s just too good.
ascent your sexual times
ascent your sexual times with aid admirable meds.
medicinal effect guaranteed. great bonus for every order
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