Flummoxed

Nabisco has me befuddled. I’ll explain, but it will take a bit of set up.

I love Newtons. Strawberry Newtons are, no doubt, my favorite snack in the history of snack eating. I like them a lot.

I must eat them in a certain way. I almost always eat them in multiples of two. Usually I eat 2. From time to time I’ll eat 4 at a time. Why the inclination toward even numbers? It’s not really about how many I eat. It has more to do with how many are left in the package.

If you are a Newton fan, or if you’ve eaten Newtons, you know they are sold in a two-sided plastic tray. Each side, of course, contains an equal number of Newtons. Take out two and the sides are still equal. The number taken doesn’t matter as long as you take an equal number from both sides. Take out 3? Well, the word Armageddon comes to mind. The sides must always hold an equal number of Newtons. I call it the Newton Law of Equality.

Others in my family choose not to obey the Newton Law of Equality. Thus, from time to time, I eat an odd number of Newtons. I will admit that when I find a Newton package in a state of unevenness it upsets me. I have been known to question the family as to who had the audacity to take from one side and not the other.

The intellectual inside me (he’s very, very small) tells me it’s a balance issue. If you take more from one side than the other the package will be off balance. Balance is important to the universe’s existence.

It’s not just Newtons. I’m this way with other things as well. If I’m using two eggs, I take one from each end of the package. One from the front left, pone from the back right, for example. Balance. Otherwise the carton will be heavy on one end, which could, very likely, lead to dropping the eggs.

Actually, this reasoning probably comes from the insane OCD Scott attempting to rationalize an eccentricity. In reality, it’s about fairness. If I take a Newton from one side, it’s only fair to take one from the other side also. I don’t want one side to feel left out or slighted.

Back to Nabisco. Nabisco, of course, makes Newtons. As I mentioned I have a certain affinity for Strawberry Newtons, but I like Fig Newtons also. One reason I eat them is the simple fact that you cannot get small packages of Strawberry Newtons at a gas station. You can get Fig Newtons.

Earlier this week I went to a convenience store to get a snack. I was about to buy a small two pack of Fig Newtons when something better caught my eye: a cardboard sleeve of Fig Newtons. I immediately dropped the two-pack and went for the sleeve.

Here’s my dilemma. There are 15 Fig Newtons in the package. I have conditioned myself to eat Newtons in even numbers. What am I going to do with that 15^th Newton? I guess I could if I have to, force myself to eat 3 at a time. Maybe I could convince myself that I already ate one. I guess I could throw it away, but that’s just wrong. You might throw away a cookie. You don’t throw away fruit and cake. What to do? What to do?