Wow, I think I fell asleep at the end of last week. Always leave them wanting more, I guess. I just realized looking back that I only had one real entry last week. Seems like old times.
I’m going to keep with the theme of family for today.
A couple of weeks ago my dad, my uncle Tony, and Jimmy & Ronnie (the ones I wrote about last week) were having a Jaws style “I Got That Beat” conversation. It got me thinking about the history of odd injuries my family has. For whatever reason we seem to attract strange occurrences that result in even stranger casualties. They do seem to be lees severe and less frequent as the generations pass.
I have had my share of them, and I started early in life. When I was 18 months old I fell out of the passenger side window of my dad’s pick-up truck. Onto an asphalt & gravel parking lot. Face first. Other than a few stitches and a fractured wrist, I was no worse for the wear. Then there was the time my dad hooked my ear with a fly-fishing lure. A word of advice, don’t ride in a boat with someone who is fly-fishing. The there was the Christmas my dad decided to get me a pocketknife. Within a few hours I came a fraction of an inch from severing the tip of my left pinky.
Several years later I received a nice slice to the top of my wrist when I was performing the role of a live autopsy patient at our church’s haunted house. My dad told them not to use a real knife, but you know how teenagers are. They never listen. Several years later (again) I dislocated my elbow when I fell while hanging from Kevin Hall’s back deck. It still pops out of place from time to time.
These are mild compared to the stories I heard from these guys last.
After a few mild stories things got interesting. My dad told of the time he decided to deconstruct a shotgun shell. Sounds like a good idea doesn’t it. He got everything out of the shell: the shot, wad, and gunpowder. Then he decided he wanted to remove the firing cap. After surveying the situation, he decided the most practical means of removing the cap was to knock it off with a hammer and a screwdriver. To make a long story short, if you prefer your fingers intact don’t hit a firing cap with a hammer.
Tony had that beat. He seemed to have the worst luck of any the 4 Coats siblings growing up. His, too, started early in life. His first story was a doozy. If you’re squeamish, you may want to stop here. When Tony was a toddler he awoke to a rat in the crib with him gnawing his fingers. By the time my grandparents got to him the rat had partially eaten his middle finger. I warned you.
I figured no one could top that. But Tony topped it himself.
As teenagers, Tony, my dad, and their other brother all played football. As part of their routine for football, they worked out on their front porch. One day either my dad or his brother (I can’t remember which) was lifting as Tony stood with his back to them. When he dropped the barbell it landed on Tony’s leg at the base of his knee. His calf muscle was ripped almost completely from his leg. Another kid from the neighborhood was their lifting with them. He screamed in horror, “His guts are hanging out!” It took about 200 stitches to put him back together.
Then Tony put the icing on the cake. His bad luck continues to this day. He is a painter. A few months ago, he fell about 15 feet from a ladder and onto a pile of bricks. He hurt his back a little, but the worst injury was a dislocated shoulder. Not an easy injury when you’re a house painter.
Now I know what I suspected before. Tony wins. No one’s got that beat. Unless one of them was on the Indianapolis (an allusion to the a fore mentioned Jaws reference).
The coup de gras came from Ronnie. Ronnie told the story of a time he and Jimmy played follow the leader. Jimmy was the leader. He put his face up to a fan. Keep in mind this was 40-50 years ago. This was a metal blade, very little safety guard fan. Ronnie thought Jimmy put his face in the fan. So he followed. The fan literally cut his face off. He told us it took about 5000 stitches to reattach everything.
Nobody could beat that.
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