Swab It! Swab it good!

Last night as I opened the bathroom drawer to retrieve mytoothbrush and toothpaste. I took notice of the packaging on our cotton swabs.It is a fairly new package. I think we bought it last week, but I just noticed thepackaging last night.

This particular package is the generic Target brand ofcotton swabs. (We rarely spring for the Q-Tips® brand.) The makers of thisparticular brand ( Up & Up, I think) are helpful enough to show thepurchaser all of the useful things one can do with their cotton swabs.

Unfortunately, they only give illustrations of the uses. (Seenon the right.) There are no descriptions. This, of course, leaves the intended use upto the consumer.

Being the helpful person that I am, I decided I wouldtranslate the illustrations and thus spell out the manufacturer’s condoned usesfor their cotton swabs.

This particular image looks like they are suggesting youclean your bathroom using swabs. I don’t think that is the manufacturersintention. I think they are suggesting you use the cotton swabs to punish yourkids. “If you don’t straighten up I’ll make you clean the bathroom with acotton swab again! Remember, last time it took you 3 days!” This use could alsobe employed by a sadistic drill instructor as punishment for unruly privates.(I mean the military rank, not what you’re thinking.)

According to this illustration you can use the swabs toassist in your drug habit. Apply the glue and sniff. This does not seem like aprudent suggestion, but they only get worse.

They also suggest you use their swabs as a hairbrush foryour infant. (Or it could be the PC guy from the Mac commercials. (Just addglasses.)

The makers also see their swabs as a defensive weapon. Usethe swab to gouge out the eyes of a would-be attacker! Be sure to go for thecorners as illustrated.

Finally, you can use the swab to type a ransom letter. Thisis an ingenious suggestion. This way you don’t leave any fingerprints on thekeyboard.

After seeing these suggestions I’ve come to a decision. Nointernational spy should ever be without Up & Up® Brand Cotton Swabs.

Just don’t try to clean out your ears with them (which is mypreferred use). I’m pretty sure if you even attempt it, they will use them togouge out your eyes.