Can't Make Sense of the Senseless

In the past I’ve shared with you my feelings on death. To recap: it sucks. I don’t like death. I don’t like funerals. I have no idea how to handle the situation. I have never lost a close friend or relative. Before this weekend, I’d never even lost someone I considered a friend.

Saturday I got a call from Eric. He told me Matt Miller passed away early that morning. I was shocked. That’s the best way I can describe how I felt. (Obituary from North Alabama UMC and from B’ham News)

I first met Matt about 10 years ago at St. Mark UMC in Birmingham. I was the Youth Director at Bluff Park UMC and we were doing some sort of joint venture with St. Mark’s youth. Their youth director, Robert Mercer, introduced me to Matt and told me he was thinking of going into youth ministry.

I kept in touch with Matt through the years through the COTM board, then LiveJournal, and then FaceBook and blogs. Matt was a frequent reader here and often commented. He won one of the inaugural Commenter of the Year (CotY) Awards. Late last week I sent him his certificate. Here’s a glimpse:

Over the years I talked to Matt face to face only a few times, but I considered him a friend. I can’t say I knew Matt well, but I think I knew him. Matt was a caring guy who loved God and looked forward to a life serving him in ministry. He was 5 months away from finishing seminary and beginning the process of ordination as an Elder in the UMC.

Since I got the call from Eric Saturday one question keeps coming to my mind: “What the hell?” I don’t pretend to understand God. I think I know a little, but not nearly enough. But I just don’t get this. A guy with so much ahead of him. A guy who would, no doubt, do great things. In fact, had already done great things. And he’s gone at 25. That, God, sucks. (Just so you don’t misread, I’m not saying God sucks. I’m telling God that the facts of this situation suck.) Matt, himself, said it better than I. He wrote this on his old blog in August of last year: Angry at God.

Right now I think there are a lot of people who are angry at God. That’s OK. Our god is a big god. He can handle it. And he will still love you. There’s comfort there, I think. That no matter what life throws at us we are assured of God’s love.

That’s what I believe, but it doesn’t stop the questions.

I’ll be in Birmingham for the funeral tomorrow. I’ll sit and listen to the preacher try to console the friends and family present; try to make sense of Matt’s death. As I see it, it doesn’t make sense. It can’t make sense. A great man was taken from this earth far too soon. And that’s all there is to it.