I'm Trying

I just found something I like less than going to a funeral visitation and talking to the deceased’s family. Talking to someone you know is going to die soon. What the hell do you say to someone that you know is dying?

A guy who has worked for my dad for a long, long time has advanced throat cancer. He’s dying. Well, I guess it’s not certain at this point, but his prognosis is not good. He looks terrible. He sounds horrible. He moves very slowly. He is in almost constant pain.

He hasn’t been at work for a few weeks. Today he came by the office to pick up a check for the last week he worked. After getting his check he came back and sat down in my office. I haven’t seen or talked to him in a few weeks. When he first spoke I could barely understand him. His voice is deep and gravely. He recently had to have all of his teeth pulled because of infection, which alters his speech a bit. He is also on some heavy medications, which slowed his tongue and slurred his words even more.

He sat in my office for a few minutes. We talked a little. I said almost nothing. What can I say?

“How are you feeling?” I know how he’s feeling. He feels horrible. He’s on his way to the doctor to make sure he has enough pain meds to last through Christmas.

“How is life treating you?” I know the answer to that! The G.O.S. are dropping their product all over him and his family.

“I hope you feel better?” I couldn’t even bring myself to say it.

My wife said something recently that stung a little at first, but then I realized she was absolutely right. I am not a very compassionate person. It’s true. I’m not much of a comforter.

As Jerry sat here, it was awkward. I tried to tell myself it was because I felt bad for him. After he left I realized the awkwardness was because I felt bad for me. I was uncomfortable with him sitting there talking to me. I kept hoping he would hurry up and leave. Selfish Scott wins again!

I hope he didn’t feel as awkward as I felt. I hope he feels better than I think he does. I hope I didn’t say anything to make him feel even worse. I hope he didn’t leave because he knew how uncomfortable I felt.

I really do feel bad for him. Maybe someday I’ll grow out of this (36 year-long, so far) selfish phase. Maybe someday I will be compassionate and empathetic. I’ll keep trying.