Clearing away the junk. Part 7

It’s Junk Mail time again! At the moment I have over 2500 to choose from. You know the drill. The subject of the mail is in bold. My HILLARIOUS response follows. (By the way, if you’ve not read one of these posts before, they can get a little crude. Just FYI.) But first, in keeping with tradition, I need an intro to the jokes. Today, various forms of poetry.

Limerick
There once was a guy from Florence
Who had an unusually high tolerance
For all things Junk Mail
His jokes often were stale
But still he poked fun without hesitance

Haiku
Junk mail can be fun
Unless you take it seriously
Just don’t click the links

Acrostic
Junk is interesting to sort through
Unless you don’t wear gloves
Not that mail is all that messy
Knowing where to start is the key

Most immediately delete it
A few of us love to read them
I, for one, look for the humor
Let’s end the bad poetry and start the bad jokes.

One watch is good, but a couple of them are better. – Everyone who ever wore Swatches knows this to be true.

Urgent help for men with ED problems. – I’ve never really had a problem with ED Actually I never even watched the show. But I guess if you really need it to go away…

Codeine/Phentermin/Hydrocodone/Vicodin 7.5/750mg $3.90/pill, NoPrescription, Shipping via FEDEX/UPS/DHL - We accept Visa & MasterCard! BUY NOW! - I think this qualifies as the longest and most illegal Junk Mail subject of all time.

Hey I am not online for bit, but have a look at this – Actually, it was the sender of this one that was funny – Chrystal Metz – First email about illegal drugs, now email from illegal drugs!

Teddy Kennedy – That’s the joke. Teddy Kennedy is in my Junk Mail folder. RIP Ted.

Relax and take your time. – We don’t want you making any rash decisions. You know, like buying diet pills, penis/breast enlargement pill, pain pills, “designer” watches, or useless college degrees. You can’t do that sort of thing on a whim.

If you had a larger thing in pants, your life would have been better. – Unless that “larger thing” is a snake. Then you’ve just got bigger problems.

Colon Cleansing in the news – Really? Apparently Joe Wilson. Kanye West, Kate Gosselin, Whitney Houston, someone at ACORN, Glen Beck, or Serena Williams pooped their pants. Otherwise it would not be in the news.

Even the shyest girls like it thick and long. – Mascara. They’re talking about mascara. Makes the lashes thick and lon… No, They’re talking about penises.

Would YOu like to Lose 30 pounds in a month? Click Here For More Details – It’s called Bulimia. No details needed.

The secret of being an incredible lover is to have a big device. – I can’t decide if this is an ad for penis enlargement or replica watches.

Be sure your privacy is properly protected. – By not clicking on this link!

A top team of scientists and medical doctors. – Apparently it took the top scientists and medical doctors to come up with this single sentence from the body of this email – “Size is always matter.”

Pick your free 800% BONUS – If you can work out the math on this one, please get back to me, but it looks like a good way to make money. Buy their product and they pay you 7 times its value.

Failed to find necessary software in English? – The answer is yes for 99% of my junk mail senders.

With a bigger tool you can break not only hearts but also splits. – A larger penis will help me do the splits? Is that really their best selling point? And doesn’t that seem a little counterintuitive?

With our watches boring time will go faster. – Truth in advertising.

Have You heard about the latest weight loss trial? – We take more of your money so you can’t pay for food.

Life is so much easier when you have more inches. – I have to agree. It is such a pain to dig out that stool every time I need something from the top shelf in the kitchen.

Strange signs under roof – I know there’s a joke in there somewhere. I have yet to find it. Probably because it’s under the roof.

I was wrong – Finally, one of them admits it!

The more inches you have the more times your lady will hit the point. – Am I the only one that does not find this appealing? That just sounds painful.

Ideal solution for men who feel inadequate because of their size. – Elevator shoes. Or maybe just a Napoleon Complex.

Take your chance to show off in bikini. – That is…um… troubling. For everyone involved.

Catch only golden fish every time you go out. – I don’t fish, so I could be wrong. Fish aren’t gold. If they are, well, you must live near TVA.

No scamming is possible. – Sign #1 that you are being scammed.

Get a degree with no problems. – Now getting a job with that degree; that’s a problem.

Your mail is sniffed! – My what is what?

With a big stick you will be the king of the beach. – This one is obviously advocating violence.

Never disappoint her again! – Your product can help do everything my wife wants and needs before she even asks? You, sir, will make gazillions of dollars. But I still will not click that link.

Courage of your weenie – Thank you, and good night.

That’s all for now. I went through 1000 of the 2500 and this is what I got. I guess I’ll do another one soon. In the meantime, make the most of your junk mail.